365 Days of Existing

today started out just fine, i woke up late for work, nobody reminded me of going anyway and i wasn't big on remembering days and everything so.. yeah. but everything did change after i looked at my phone and realized that it should be something.

and suddenly a mailman came along with a package, i thought it's my mom's, since she's been having this online shopping frenzy for awhile, so getting a package wasn't a weird thing these days. but i was wrong, it was sent by him, the only guy who knew this day would mean the world for me, wrapped up nicely inside a brown paper envelope with some names written here and there, making it clear for me that it is him behind this. i smiled, i was nervous at first, trying my best to guess what could probably be his next surprise. and then i got into my room, unwrapped the gift, and voila:

as you can see, he sent me a letter along with his artwork (i can't come up with a better name) of our 365 days of being together highlights. from the minute i unwrapped it, i started crying so loud i think my mom would probably hear me, i haven't even read the writings yet but i just cried. it's weird to think but i was so touched by the fact that he still made time for actually doing this and planned something to surprise me. and i called him, choked up by my own words and tears as i tried to say that i am very thankful for his surprise. we both said happy anniversary and i was still sobbing like a hungry hyena while trying to make myself feel better. at some point my tears just stopped, and we talked for some time. i also told him my version of his surprise for today, i said i thought that he would come home early—he's in Bandung now—to meet me and make a surprise for me this saturday along with his gifts.. but i do know now that it's not happening, so it was just my expectation, no biggie. and it was nice hearing him so happy without any tears at all, and then i realized that he is happy now—emphasize on the word 'is'. anyway since this separation is actually his idea, i can't help but see him as this relieved human being who looks like he just found a new peaceful place to breathe. it's a wee bit funny though, 'cause when it comes to me and my suggestions for separation before, what he did was just begging, asking for another chance and actually pointing his fingers at me saying that i just wanna run from him because i had no more love left to give. that sucks.

but it suck a 12793526512 times more when you're left being this needy person that nothing could ever cured but his existence, and every inch of your skin feels so fragile you're going to cry every time a person mentions something. everything looks unbearable and only time heals. i ended up like a witch the last time i moved on from somebody that i truly loved, and it took me 4 years to completely be okay after hearing his name and seeing him do stupid things he shouldn't have done. so, how long is this gonna take?

i said to him that i hold myself up every time i want to call him just so i can tell myself that this has to stop, to give myself a big exclamation mark of 'you're doing this again to comfort yourself and you're afraid of being lonely, and then in the end you're going to get hurt real bad'. at several times i can handle myself, but others i can't help but sending him Rachel's short heartbreaking dialog to Finn on Glee ep 04. and as i think about it, i was like really?? i never thought i could be that cheesy! and from that moment on i know that i am at my lowest point of strength and it's going to take awhile to control myself, i'm just blinded by the fact that we should be okay and fine right now, as i'm trying to get myself the front seat for another trip back in time. no one ever said that it would be this hard, i even forget how it felt back then.. so i can't wait for college to start, so i could get a grip, meet my friends so i don't have to look at my phone every time i feel bored as shit, and i just can't wait to be busy and not scared of being alone. 

anywaysss, to you, i just hope that everything gets better when i'm gone. your life, your grades, your friendships, your love life, everything. although it's been a pleasant year to be honest, from d-day til now. are you gonna miss me though? ‘cause you do sound like your life just gotten so much better (well, no offense) but i truly do wish for you to be happier, like always! and please be a man of your words. don’t just go fuck with somebody’s life by getting in and out like what you did to mine, because i solemnly swear that it hurts, it hurts so bad i still think that we’re actually going to make up anytime soon. i’m wishing you good luck and hope that you will always be the guy that i fell in love with, your charming look, your wise words, everthing. i’m sure you’re going to sweep someone’s feet away when you’re just being you. everybody’s got flaws, don’t feel sorry for that, soon enough you’ll be driving your chick to a whole new world.. just take her to places we wished we could visit back then, okay? ;)

i just found out that meeting you was actually meant for something. there are quotes saying that people come and go in your life for some reasons, either it’s just for a lesson, a karma, or maybe to make your life better, and maybe we were specifically met for facing the ups and downs of 2012, which was a year where we both needed someone to hold onto. imagine the year without me or you, what would we be now? without all those night calls, those life talks about our future, those deliberation of which schools should we enroll and be serious about. stories about our dreams, the baby steps of making it, it was there inside 2012 and in fact God had sent me you. that was the good part wasn't it? 

and i really am sorry if i’m still going to bug you with my pointless dramas and texts that will soon be nothing for you, it’s just me feeling that i need to find someone that would make time to listen to me. i’m a talker and i need a good listener, which act was taken by you along this year, but it’s not anymore, so i’m just going to fool around with my blog i guess. i’ll miss you you know, i might not find someone with the same taste as mine anymore, telling me stuff like i’m your little sister... i need that kind of guidance, so i’ll make sure my next should have this thing inside him. i’m just not sure if someone will be kind enough to hear my story and be as kind as you.. but who knows right?

and you should know that at times when i was so alone, i usually sing this to myself, pretending that we’re okay, crying myself to bits until my eyes sore. i won’t give any gifts for you because if i do then we’re going to talk again and that’s the thing we’ve been avoiding right? so i’m just going to cherish the moment when the mailman brought in some good news this morning and just pretend that we're still talking. i hope that you'll be okay, happy 365 days of existing, my dearest one <3>