?

didn't they say we should be livin' the life when we're in college?

didn't they say we would be that close to the our actual real path?

didn't they say college is something that reflects how exactly this world works?

didn't they say (some) college would be a person's way to meet their soulmate?

didn't they realize that it is nothing compared to what they said?

and what they didn't say is the varied struggle behind the survival of the survivors.

i have just been a college kid for like 3 months, and all i could ever wish for is stepping back to high school. i long for that, you know, because i never thought of anything this way. i'd probably think that i'll be saved by settling myself in to the environment and stuff, but everything turns out wrong. i once threw my signature weird look to one of the representatives of Dutch colleges when she told me that one of her 'kids' was giving up his college shot in Indonesia just because he said that the society there was too naive and weird. i had never thought i'd probably feel the same way now, it is like getting a slap right on my brain, telling me that it is going to be a real big deal. and i have to find a way to cope with it, asap.

starting from the simplest stuff to a thing that is contrary to the whole mindset of mine.

does everything always start with some confusing shit like this?

why is that we have to deal with stuff that is actually beyond our common sense? or maybe something that we hate? it's not like i chose the wrong major, but it's like i haven't found my role just yet. everything i have now seems blurry, and i don't know whether to keep them inside the palms of my hands or just let go. the point is, i just can't seem to fit in.

isn't it scary? isn't life scary?

my friends know me as a that doofus and fun type everyone seems to love, and they know me as the cheerful type that tends to laugh once in every 5 minutes of my life. and this is not me being all cocky and shit, but it's just me being honest. and i have now become that serious type that everyone seems not to give a fuck about. people are going to laugh at me; am i really this fucked up? because i turned out to be one of several people who succeeded to get inside the path ourselves chose to have, and... the fact that i feel like failing my own social life is just saddening. will i or will i not fail my social life?

GOOOOOSSSHHHH I FEEL LIKE I'M VERY LABIL AT THIS POINT OF TIME. but in fact, i am.

i am head over heels confused about how am i supposed to react. i wanna have my good old days back, or at least someone new or even a group of newer friends whom are just 'minutes away' from me. am i trying too hard by over thinking it? because i'm just getting stressed out here. i can't speak to anyone about this, and i'm getting insane because of this. plus i have zero people to talk to and no one just can't seem to understand and help out, and i am reaching out for nobody's hands. nicely done.