Untitled, I guess.

to all the universe i may proclaim, to all the apocalyptic destructions i might have heard. i hereby declare, that i couldn't help but realizing i'm going too far on a book. i don't know why, but i think i might preserve some of the ideas of seeing me as a very melancholic person. i may have a strong argument, or people judge me as some kind of a strong independent powerful little girl, but aside from all that, from all the choleric sides of mine, the littlest thing can still occur to having me tearing down every silence in this world. no joke.
for an example, i've been reading this superbly cool book—Antologi Rasa, by Ika Natassa and a very illogical thing came straight through my mind.

okay let's narrow this thing down once and for all.

i'm not stating anything, but i'm struggling. struggling to get out from my own window of the world. i'd like to see myself waking up from my bed feeling so empty i couldn't even smile. i don't wanna be like this forever. now i'm having this period of time when i think every single love song in this world was meant to describe MY situation. people listen to some crappy joke saying "we'll just have to wait to prove everything" that doesn't even make sense to me.

shit. am i going to face this whole thing again? alone?

i am beyond my shoulders and knees to say that i would like this feeling to stop. i'm still sugarcoating it aren't i? i'm not going to waste another second of my life trying to fix everything just by standing close to that person, pretending i'm the girl that he should talk to when he's in misery, or just when he's trying to show some kind of funny pics he thinks they're worth laughing for. devastating, i know. for the second record of my life, i can't believe i can relive this match in me within 2 seriously pathetic years. i can't get what i want every time, kay. i got it. but if i'm wanting myself to get out of this box, why can't God let me do that?
i understand if i'm not as attractive as things can be, but at least i'm there to watch your games, i'm there to make you laugh, and i'm there to retell every stories you haven't heard about before. quoting from that book, "if a girl laughs with you, she likes you. but if you're the reason that she cries, then she loves you."
i almost cried hearing Endah N' Rhesa singing When You Love Someone yesterday, that beautiful song reminds me of how stupid i am to you. well no, i'm sane enough to hold my words back my darling. there's no chance that i'm going to say it out loud.

okay what matters to me the most, is this:

"what if in the person you love, you find a best friend instead of a lover?"

and as i'm starting to finish this post right here, i'm contemplating—thinking that you are my best friend indeed. all the stuff we do, never gonna matter to you. at all. therefore, i should stop thinking like this. let's start emptying the 'you' box from my mind, and do some great works instead.
well hopefully.