Random (2)

sometimes you might feel so alone, or maybe frightened. frightened of how the future brings, and how you will survive throughout all of it. you may be the chosen one, but that wouldn't save you from falling and failing. you may think you've got the right ambition, the right heat, and have gotten on the right track to achieve that something that you've been expecting, but what if people around you doubt every thought of yours? how about them people around you questioned every step that you take? will you stand up for what you've been aiming for? or take that as an info and glanced away as the time goes by?

some things that you've been wanting to do are simply harmful, risky, or just let's say... you can't even live with it, they don't offer a decent life for you later on. but if it's something you've been wanting so much in your life, what would you do about it? and how about you will lose your reputation from it? i'm trying to take things seriously here, as in.. i'm trying to live my dream and not to care about what people might say. all my dreams have always been insecure, questionable, unstable, and random.

first of all, i found myself fond in designing things, so i had thoughts about myself being a fashion designer, or maybe something that has to do with designing.
but months after that, i found myself blogging around like hell. i actually have feelings in writing, or as i'll say, i love writing. so then i changed into a writing freak, i wanted to be a journalist, a writer, a reporter... well most of them. i've had the longest moment of wanting this, for almost 2 years. but then again i had problems keeping them inside my head. my mom's been telling that a writer's job isn't promising, as well as a journalist. my dad said i've gotta have this 'unusual' perspective and some thing called 'being skeptical in every way' if i want to be a writer. usual writer will not be recognized as much as those who have the uncommon ways to say something throughout their words, in a short way, let's call them the special people. and there i go again, afraid of a finding, and i should not be this way, otherwise i won't get any of those jobs in the future. i've always been downgrading myself! damn i'm such a pessimistic. and up till now, i still think that i can't be a good writer, what will the public think?

and the last dream of mine would be a researcher, owner of a conservation area, a vet or even a dentist. something that has to deal with biology. entering 11th grade means increasing my interest in biology. i don't know is this some kind of a temporary feeling or whatever, but this feeling's driving me nuts. i'm in love with biology, conservation biology to be exact. dealing with animals... especially primates... omg i'd be honored. but then i ran out of motivations and my Kumon teacher said that 'it' will always be like what our mothers told us. them moms have their magic words and they will turn you upside down, no matter how hard it is, you know guys, moms do their things. so, be nice to your mom, although i've always been hurting mine, i hope she'd give a better luck and chance to live a better life.