Randomly Unexpected.

Scared shitless, trying to find a way, trying to figure something out, without hurting ourselves, why would I be this way? Have been having the same scars, this 'Ketut' said on Eat Pray Love that having unbalanced life means having/keeping the balanced life alive. I've been frightened of the same thing; getting hurt. Life is not always about pleasing yourself, making yourself happy in many ways.. Sometimes, you gotta let yourself drown in the ocean of regrets, tears, or maybe every single thing that you scared/hate the most. I've said this once, that leaning over the bestest person on earth feels like heaven. But here I go again, leaning over a pillow, inside a sugar-waxing shop. It means I'm with nobody, I got zero best friend that I can count on, oh wait, friends? I could get tons if I wanted to. But the best ones? I have to let myself be with them for many years, and I haven't found any of them yet. I've just lost one, and I think it's inappropriate if I tell you the whole thing. I'm no longer thinking that I'm great in making great friendships in life, instead, I suck.

See, this is the reason why I love writing, I can pick some things up, address them as something that none of any ones in this world would ever know. But if you've known me for awhile, you'll know what I'm talking, and you'll know where I'm heading. If only I could take a break, meditate, and live happily without any money like some of the cartoons, I'd live my life, righteously. Living my life to the fullest. Do I sound lesbiany? No. Do I sound lost? Or do I feel lost? YES! YES! With the exclamation mark at the end of the word 'yes'. Once I got beaten inside my heart, got frustrated and got stuck with the whole situation, dying, and I couldn't find anywhere to go, nowhere to run. I feel like I should write a book about my life, though my life's no storybook, but I think everybody deserves to read it carefully and just DON'T do the things that I had done, just.. Take the right ways, let me be some kind of your life guru, a 16-year old guru. See? I'm lost in track. I have no trust to give, or to take. My trust has disappeared 1 year ago. I put too much trust on someone, then that someone let me down, and BAM! That hit me hard I hardly breathed. I should let it go shouldn't I? It's been one hell of a year and I'm still thinking for a way for me to like, escape. I'M FRIKKIN TRYING TO FORGIVE MYSELF FROM FALLING APART THOSE DAYS. I should let it go, I really should. I need to have an enchantment, new experiences, even new puppy love stories. I need to have a writing journey, I need to write! I need to share everything on my blog, I don't have anyone to lean over, I've lost everyone who was very sweet to me, well except my family. But I can't tell the things I really feel to them, I'm pretty sure they won't understand, having them around is enough, by that I know that I'm still loved. And that is more than enough.

Mom is sick with all my attitudes, but she's still there, and even dad. Every time he drives me to school, we got these random talks that (maybe) no one could understand, starting from dad-and-daughter talks, to some science experiments that I'm planning to have at the end of the year, I do enjoy those talks, even if I can't say it out loud. And again, I need to put on some trusts, I need to start trusting everyone that I know, and I should not be afraid of falling&failing, otherwise I won't get the lessons. That's it, I gotta have some meditation, learn to have the courage of failing and falling, to get to the top. To finally get to the finale of my own life. Random? Yes! Because this is my own life, my own story. No one would ever understand.